…but I’m still here (Miss you mom)

I am writing this post from off the top of my head, so excuse me if my wording is a little sporadic.

My mother passed away at the very young age of 51. I was 21 years of age and still trying to find my way in the world. The day she died I was fasting and praying with two other friends. I remember praying to God and becoming extremely sleepy to waking up to my cousin calling me. She said that the call was urgent and to please contact her back. When I called my cousin back and she didn’t respond I knew something bad had happened. I decided to call one of the few people that I felt comfortable calling just to talk about nothing at all..my mom. My brother answered the phone and I could hear him sniffing, he told me that my mother had passed away. When he told me I didn’t scream nor did I cry immediately. I simply told him “okay”, hung up the phone, and fell on my knees and began to pray. I don’t know exactly what I prayed being that when I fell on my knees the Holy Spirit took over. I got up and called my pastor to inform him and my best friend to drive me home which was 3 hours away.

Life as I knew it would never…..ever be the same again. The whole day I was calm. I didn’t get much sleep that week because I think I was trying to process it all. I think I got 8 hours of sleep the first week which is equivalent to only one night of sleep in 6 to 7 days. I had a great support system. There were people everywhere who wanted to make sure I was okay, of which I was very grateful. Once the initial shock of her passing was gone life was business as usual again in the life of others, but not mine. I remember getting upset (a little angry) and antsy because life continued normally without her……yeah, eventually I got through it. I had to go to school and pretend everything is okay, as though I didn’t lose my mother. I had to work and behave as though I am okay, because I didn’t want anyone’s sympathy. There were plenty of other things that has happened between then and now, some of which I like and some of which I disliked but I am still here.

She passed away unexpectedly on April 30th 2012. I am almost positive that she knew about her situation, but didn’t tell us. It has now been two years and one month since she’s passed and it seems to become a little harder as time passes. The pain of her loss isn’t as intense of initially finding out, but it’s just that I miss her. Knowing that I will not be able to talk to her anymore here on earth. I am unable to receive her advice. I won’t be able to hear her laugh, or see the love and acceptance in her eyes for me her daughter. I have lost a sense of belonging since she’s passed away. No matter how much people say how much they love me and my company, I don’t feel as though I do. I have lost my sense of security since she’s gone, and I don’t know if I will ever gain it back. It also made me sad to know that the longer she’s gone the more like strangers we will become. My life is continuing here on earth whereas hers here on earth has ended. If we were to see each other again there would be a sense of estrangement in the atmosphere. She is no longer here, and yes there is pain, but God is my helper and…I am still here.

RIP mother dearest. I will always love you.

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